


Shotgun Weddings

by Methoxyethane



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Crack, F/M, Gen, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-21
Updated: 2012-01-21
Packaged: 2017-10-29 21:32:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/324378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Methoxyethane/pseuds/Methoxyethane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“We weren't fighting,” Kanda replied, “they were just making illicit suggestions about your virtue and discussing whether or not having sex with one’s sister is on an equal moral level as their cousin. And I was leaving.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shotgun Weddings

Kanda took one look at Lavi and Allen and quickly decided that it was way too early for this bullshit.

They stared him down menacingly as he walked towards a table with his breakfast, glaring at him with silent accusations. He sighed.

"I give up. What do you idiots want?"

Lavi and Allen exchanged glances. "So. It seems Linalee stayed in your room last night," Allen started, " _all_ night."

Kanda raised an eyebrow. That was what this was about? Absurd. "Yes. She told me a robot smashed through her wall, and asked if there was room for a spare futon in my room."

Lavi nodded to himself and exchanged a conspiratory glance with Allen (who was, at the moment, thinking " _what the hell is a futon?"_ ). "I see how it is. Well then," Lavi announced, "you had better be prepared to take responsibility for your actions." He said firmly. Allen agreed with a nod of his own.

"…Responsibility? For what?"

"Isn't that obvious? The baby! If you get her pregnant, we can't just let you abandon her. We're very fond of Linalee, you know, as is the whole Order. We're all very protective of her." Lavi said.

"You can't be serious."

"It's true," Allen confirmed, "So we can't let you abandon your baby-momma just because you're a prick. You'll need to marry her."

"I… Are you two idiots?"

Kanda was obviously ignored, as Lavi continued undaunted. "Unfortunately, Komui's a little crazy about his sister, so a shotgun wedding won't do. We'll have to have the wedding before he knows Linalee's gotten pregnant. And naturally, he's terrified of her abandoning him for a man, so you can't elope- you'll have to ask Komui's permission for her hand before anything."

Allen looked thoughtful. "Then again, it's pretty unlikely he'll consent, which means you'll have to end up eloping anyway. Which is unfortunate, but he'll have had forewarning. Really, it'll have been Komui's own fault for not agreeing in the first place."

Lavi nodded sagely. He seemed to be doing that a lot this morning. "On the other hand," he added cheerfully, "think of how gorgeous your children will be!"

"Prettiest kids ever." Allen agreed.

Kanda stared at them blankly. There was silence for a while, while the three boys just stared at each other. "…And that's really all you have to say about the fact that you just accused me of deflowering Linalee Lee?"

Allen shrugged. "I'm sure she could do worse than you. I mean, I can't think of a single person who is, but as long as she's happy, whatever. It doesn't really affect me either way- I'm pretty damned gay, if you hadn't noticed, so there's only brotherly feelings there."

"Yeah, she's not really my type. I also think of her as a sister. Well, a sister I would totally bone." Lavi agreed.

Allen added, "You mean like a cousin?"

Lavi raised an eyebrow. "Where the hell did you grow up that it's okay to bone your cousin?"

Allen frowned. "I'm not the one who just said the words 'a sister I'd totally bone,' Mr. Incest."

"What the HELL is wrong with you two?" Kanda finally interjected.

It was then that Linalee entered the room. Spotting the three, she frowned. "Are you guys fighting again?"

"No," Kanda replied, "they were just making illicit suggestions about your virtue and discussing whether or not have sex with one's sister is on an equal moral level as their cousin. And I was leaving."

Lavi scoffed. "Make us sound like the bad guys. We weren't the ones planning on impregnating and abandoning an innocent girl."

Linalee blinked. "Um. Allright. Well, you guys have fun with that. I'm gonna get something to eat." She said, and wandered over to Jerry's window. Kanda made good on his word, and left the room.

Allen turned to Lavi. "I don't suppose I'd be so lucky as for you to be bi?"

Lavi blinked. "Um."

"Because you know, I _can't_ get pregnant…"


End file.
